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Tuesday, November 21, 2006 

In Case You Were Wondering

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:

40-ish... 49.

Adventurous... Slept with everyone.

Athletic... No breasts.

Beautiful... Pathological liar.

Emotionally Secure... On medication.

Free spirit... She’ll go through your medicine cabinet.

New-Age... Body hair in the wrong places.

Open-minded... Desperate.

Outgoing... Loud and Embarrassing.

Voluptuous... Very Fat.

Large frame... Hugely Fat.

Wants Soul mate... Stalker.

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No

2. No = Yes

3. Maybe = No

4. We need = I want

5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry

6. We need to talk = You're in trouble

7. Sure, go ahead = You better not

8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later

9. I am not upset = Of course, I’m upset you idiot!

10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry

2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy

3. Nice dress = Nice cleavage

4. I love you = Let's have sex now

5 I am bored = Do you want to have sex?

6. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.

7. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.

8. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit. = I'm gay

MAN LAWS (In case you missed the meeting)

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

(a) When he is peeling an onion.

(b) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

(c) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.

3: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

4: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink with an umbrella when you're sunning on a tropical beach. It must be delivered by a topless model. It must also be free or bought for you buy the babe three deck chairs down.

5: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

6: Don’t wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

7. If you ever come late and your wife is standing there with a broom. Under no circumstances say, “are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

HA HA HA! Don't wear Speedoes. EVER! How vwey true! And don't drop your pants in the middle of a store! heh

Speedoes?!?!

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