Where does Chuck Norris Write a Weekly Column?
Taking advantage of his new found mythical fame from internet jokes, he has decided to shed some light on who he really is. You better not laugh or a roundhouse may fly out from your monitor.
Ok ok, really, there is a heartfelt and passionate column written by the Man the Myth the Legend himself up on WorldNetDaily.
He even shares some of his favorite jokes...
"When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris."Some of my personal favorites are:
"Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants."
"Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris."
"Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard."
"Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent."
"Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits."
"Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of 'beard'. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths."
"Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs."
"Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull."
"Chuck Norris can mathematically make two wrongs equal a right."
"Similar to a Russian Nesting Doll, if you were to break Chuck Norris open you would find another Chuck Norris inside, only smaller and angrier."
I know, we've all heard these before but they will always be funny! Realizing an opportunity to be listened to by all, Chuck Norris goes right to the heart of really matters to him...
Let me illustrate using a few of the claims being made about me in the various lists of "Chuck Norris Facts":...ok that's all true and all, but he can still break your face with a roundhouse... do not tempt the Chuck Norris!
Alleged Chuck Norris Fact: "Faster than a speeding bullet... more powerful than a locomotive... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris' warm-up exercises."
I've got a bulletin for you, folks. I am no superman. I realize that now, but I didn't always. As six-time world karate champion and then a movie star, I put too much trust in who I was, what I could do and what I acquired. I forgot how much I needed others and especially God. Whether we are famous or not, we all need God. We also need other people.
If your whole life is spent trying to make money and you neglect the people important in your life, you will create an emptiness deep in your heart and soul. I know. I fell into that trap. I dedicated my whole life to fame and fortune. I had a huge hole in my heart and was miserable until I met my wife, Gena, who brought me back to the Lord.
Alleged Chuck Norris Fact: "There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live."
It's funny. It's cute. But here's what I really think about the theory of evolution: It's not real. It is not the way we got here. In fact, the life you see on this planet is really just a list of creatures God has allowed to live. We are not creations of random chance. We are not accidents. There is a God, a Creator, who made you and me. We were made in His image, which separates us from all other creatures.
By the way, without him, I don't have any power. But with Him, the Bible tells me, I really can do all things – and so can you.
Alleged Chuck Norris Fact: "Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer. Too bad he never cries. Ever."
There was a man whose tears could cure cancer or any other disease, including the real cause of all diseases – sin. His blood did. His name was Jesus, not Chuck Norris.
If your soul needs healing, the prescription you need is not Chuck Norris' tears, it's Jesus' blood.
Again, I'm flattered and amazed by the way I've become a fascinating public figure for a whole new generation of young people around the world. But I am not the characters I play. And even the toughest characters I have played could never measure up to the real power in this universe.