Peakah's Provocations...

These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
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Our youth basketball team is back in action
Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall.
Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale.
It's a chance to get rid of those things
not worth keeping around the house.
Bring your husbands.
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The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has
been canceled due to a conflict.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
Smile at someone who is hard to love.
Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again,"
giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know
it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.
They need all the help they can get.
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The Rector will preach his farewell message after
which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in
the church hall. Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic
will be "What Is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to
the addition of several new members and to the
deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles
and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along
with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining,
super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and
medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing
in the park across from the Church.
Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM.
All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall
after the B.S. is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the
congregation would lend him their electric girdles
for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at
7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's
Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM.
The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"